at my age, sean william scott was already drinking semen in american pie. maybe i should rethink my life. or maybe he should rethink his?

gargolye

Years from now when I am old and gray, reliving my salad days surrounded by grandchildren, I'm sure I will talk about what it was like to go to college around the turn of the century.

"Mostly we partied," is probably how I will describe the experience. Sure I went to class, and I played a lot of halo, but the real skills I got were drinking skills. A college education takes place in damp basements with oversized speakers and bros that are caricatures of themselves. I've gotten pretty good at flip cup and beer pong over the years, and I once did a keg stand for a country minute. But I had never heard of gargoyleing(sp?).

Apparently if you want to do a keg stand REAL BAD and all the assholes around you wont hold up your legs, you can gargoyle it. Just stand on the keg, squat down, pump the tap yourself and just go nuts. It is possibly the most depressing thing you can do at a party, unless you also time yourself with your Casio stopwatch, trying "beat a personal record."

And that, children, is what I learned in medical school.

Booze Numerology

2 drinks: "Nice hair"
3 drinks: "You're purtty cute, what's your name?"
5 drinks: "So is that like, your natural hair color or what?"
8 drinks: "DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE DRAPES? HA HA HA"

What's the point of having a blog if you're not going to update it?

I'm really irritated by my school's internet access. Whatever the opposite of web 2.0 is is the IT department at rosalind franklin.

a return to normalcy a.k.a. the douchbag contest

Yeah so I'm very aware that I don't post, ever, but I think I'm going to try and work on that. It is a New Year's resolution I'm having for Valentine's day.

Today I saw the most amazing thing at the Jewel. I didn't realize it at the time, but apparently there was a "biggest douchebag" contest going on, in which I was an accidental participant. I saw a dude with a bluetooth phone (douchebag) which I have come to expect from this area. This is not noteworthy because there are a lot of regular ass douchbags in and around Deerfield. But then he turned his head and a SECOND bluetooth was revealed.

And then it happened. Up from a primordial organ within mine own body did surge an explosion of laughter so powerful that I turned heads. Thinking quickly, I looked away at some chips (el ranchero chips to be exact), but I'm pretty sure they saw through that rouse. I didnt care, it was worth it. I packed up my cart full of protein bars and axe body spray and left.

debt consolidation

I have most of my classes in a big lecture hall, which reminds me of tech auditorium or the deerfield high school auditorium. I sit in the back because I am a D student. To correct this, a couple days ago I sat in the front row for anatomy class. I was there super early, so only a few other people were there. As time went on and class started filling up, I noticed I was surrounded by Nigerians. We have at least four, and they all sat around me. Then I looked around and noticed that pretty much every black person in my class was sitting in the front row.

Since then I've noticed that the front row is always considerably darker than the other rows. What is it with black people and the front row? Do they know something I don't?

I always get popups for debt consolidation, gambling, pornography, and penis enlargement, as I'm sure everyone else does. So what happens when you activly search for these items? The top google hits were respectivly:

www.debtconsolidationcare.com
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gambling
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornography_addiction
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_pump

So it seems Wikipedia has a monopoly on vice. It's also interesting that porn addiction and penis pump beat out what I was expecting from those categories, which was graphic imagery.

My love affair with dermatology is only skin-deep. I met some people in the dermatology interest group here on campus, and let me just say that they seemed a little odd. They were all women, and they must all have horrible skin diseases because I have never seen so much make-up in my life. Dare I say dermatologists are superficial?

I stared dissection in the anatomy lab this week. Our body is a huge fat lady. You wouldn't believe how much fat there is in a person until you have to cut through it all to get to their muscles. It really makes the task difficult. She was oozing all over the place. Luckily, she was built like a linebacker and her muscles are huge compared to some of the other groups' bodies.

My uncle owns a little 150 acre ranch somewhere in southern Oklahoma where he raises horses and shoots endangered turtles. About a year ago an oil company called him up and asked him if they could put an oil well on his property for 15,000 dollars. He told them to "shove it" and so they explained to him that the oil well was going up regardless of what he thought.

It turns out that oil companies have figured out how to play the courts so that drilling is considered an act "for the greater public good" which means that if they adequately compensate you, they can put a well anywhere they like on anyone's property with the help of the government. This shit has been going on since the 70s as far as I know, and I think they were only not allowed to drill one time. T Boone Pickens Jr. tried to put a well in some dude's living room, and that ended up being thought a little extreme, so it ended up in his backyard instead.

The weirdest part is that these are "wildcat wells" that arent expected to produce oil. they are longshots by drilling standards, and it costs about 15 million to set one up. Bunch of crooks.

my dumps have been floating more recently. maybe i should eat less fruit.